Yes, you are.
There was a time in the not too distant past when people had brains. It was a magical time. People would read something sarcastic and understand that the author wasn't seriously suggesting that it would be a good idea to feed baby leprechauns to the dragons. There weren't entire orginizations dedicated to defending the mythical human rights of leprechauns or dragon defense leagues pointing out that today's dragons are vegan and do not appreciate the outdated stereotyping of their eating habits.
It's been an extremely rewarding year at The Holy Jive and we thank you so much for your continued interest in what we do. We hope to keep bringing you great content in 2019 and beyond. For now, lets take a look back at some of our most liked stories.
Announcer: Welcome back to SCTV, the network that broadcasts all the latest happenings on our hero the Spanish Conquistador. We had a slight glitch in the broadcasting over the last year, but we are proud to be back! It turns out that in a recent poll more people preferred the color bars to our network so we simply gave the people what they wanted, but there recently was a change in those poll results. We demanded a recount and found out the numbers were in fact exactly correct, but 23 percent of people stated the bars didn’t necessarily have to be in color.
Stories of “The Spanish Conquistador” had been folklore throughout Europe for centuries before Ian came across them in his later life. The time was 1929, the depression was already leaving Ian broken and beaten. He had recently lost his Irish Setter to cancer and his own depression rivaled that in which the country was suffering. Down on his luck, he took a job at a Manhattan radio station known as WQBR, back in its time.
Everybody wants it so it's impossible to find
You can have it if you're there in time
The cost can be so high if you miss the chance
You need to get in now while you can
The crowds swirl as the doors open
There's blood on the ground in the yellow lamp light
Knocked aside like a used party favor
You remember years past and the gifts that you gave
The journey through your cash to your return
The half smile of a young little girl
Told you everything in the world
In your mind there was a glimmer
Dear Professor Gludlum,
I’m about to go to college–quite a shock for me, as you can imagine. I’m finding myself very, vastly, frighteningly, incredibly unprepared for this life-changing experience. Can you perhaps give me some advice on how to prep myself? (It is especially difficult for me to decide what to pack.)
I have a gift that I must give
But the person it is intended for
Has gone away from here
They won’t be back
But it is wrapped
And locked away in a drawer