Writings

Here is a collection of writing Ian has written over the years. One of them is quite good. Can you find it?

"The Other Mangler"

“The Other Mangler”

By Ian

Narrator: It’s the Mangler! Created in a basement by his nemesis and Grand-pappy, Doctor Horatio, The Mangler has been endowed with the totally awesome superpower to see into the future and discover whether a person will grow up to be good or Jewish.  With this knowledge, he is able to eat babies before they can grow up to become the next Michael Bloomberg.

For Your Entertainment

INT. IAN’S APARTMENT – DAY

We open on a ringing telephone. Much like some scary movie, although instead of being the harbinger of doom for the character who answers, this call will bring forth good repercussions. Sort of.

Ian

Hello?

Voice

(from phone)

Ian?

Ian

Yes?

Voice

Who was the killer in Friday the 13th?

Ian

Mrs. Voorhees, Jason’s mom. Look I have the whole Scream box set on DVD, so don’t go trying to scare me with old material. Be original.

Voice

(changing)

Interview with Ian

We recently caught up with media contributor Ian who lately is at the top of his game. You may know him as the creator and performer of the The Holy Jive production “The Spanish Conquistador.” For the first time, he opens up publicly about his show and his influences.

On the Go

The boy packed his bags and left the house. It was his 13th birthday and this convinced him he was a man able to survive on his own. Five pairs of socks and two pairs of underwear was all he had rolled up in a paper bag he stole from the local grocer. This was his day and he was sure to make the most of it. Anything else he needed, he assumed he’d find in one way or another when he needed them.

Novel Introduction

Prologue
“And who are you?” Kenneth inquired of the man before him. It was a question he had asked a thousand times as an assistant to one of the most respected men in the immediate area. He had dreams to progress further in his career of course, but he felt his job a noble one or short of that, one that served to get him by month to month financially. For now, anyway.

“Who I am isn’t important.” The man responded briskly.

“Well, who should I say is here?”

“Just tell your employer his investment has arrived. He’ll know what you mean.”

Secret Identity

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My question: why do superheroes seek another identity to fight evil? Does this mean that maintaining an identity of constant prey is needed or required?
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Dear Anonymous Reader,

Superheroes, huh? I have always been against that word. Why is it the one putting in the time scheming to hurt those around him always the bad guy? Don’t I deserve to be called a hero? Without me, the local fire department would be completely useless. Do I ever get a thank you? No.

Fellowship

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dear professor glutton,

im starting a fellowship under my wife and am wondering how you would handle the situation. im more then a little nervous about there being friction.

sincerly,
sam welmington
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Dear Sam,

Classic Cars

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Professor Gludlum,

I fear I am becoming too negative as of late. In my hometown, they have this classic car event and they all gather on the streets and ride back and forward. I work nearby and must get through to make it in time to my job. It continually makes me late and I am getting quite upset with the whole situation. How can I cope with my growing hatred of classic cars?

Please Help!
Jene
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Dear Faithful Reader,

Cheating Student

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Dear Prof.,

I have a midterm coming up and I have a slight problem…I won’t pass. The reason, I‘ve cheated on the last few exams and the person I’ve cheated off of has dropped the class. What do I do?

Failure Student
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Dear Pup. (as in pupil but I shortened it…like you did with prof… ah forget it it… no one gets me…),

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